So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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