If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
