I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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