Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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