it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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