uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
