Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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