I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
