I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
