Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
