I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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