Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
