I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
