Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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