this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
