Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
