All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
