6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
