i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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