This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
