i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
