Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
