I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
