i just had sex bonerless
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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