I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He better not be in your backpack
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
