I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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