my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
