Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
