ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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