I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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