halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
