i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
