How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
