Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
