Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
