Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
