porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Randomize
