I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
