I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
