420 ftw
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Found the puke drawer
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize