i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
