Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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