She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
