Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
