Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
