In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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