My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
