The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
