Where is the hickey?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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