I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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