Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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