Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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