Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
