I will die if light touches me.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
