I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I could fuck to npr.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
